ramblings at 3 a.m.
I miss who I used to be. I need to start reading more. I should go to sleep. I don’t like being the only one awake. I get lonely but I like being alone. You mean something to me. I have a love/hate relationship with my insomnia. I write best in the early hours of the morning. watching the sun come up at 6 a.m. is unbelievable. I wish I was skinnier even though I know I am. I’m still trying to come to terms with myself. Even though I have a vague idea of how I want to spend the rest of my life- I don’t actually know how I’m going to get there. Sometimes I hate it here. I could use a real friend. I know me the best. I’m afraid to say how I really feel most of the time. i love but don’t hate.i don’t know what to believe in anymore. because of you, I find it hard trusting anyone at all. Sometimes I wish you hadn’t left me but I’m doing fine on my own. You give me the best advice even when I think you’re wrong. You confuse me but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some days I think I’m the only one who gets me. i wish I had a record player. If I could sit for hours and listen to records, I would.i.it seems like everyone I care for is a million miles away. If i could read away my life, I probably would.i wonder why people change. I don’t understand why you can’t be how you used to be. I’m afraid of growing up and figuring out what I’m going to do. I wish I could actually sleep peacefully everyday. I like knowing other people who twitter during their insomnia (Ryan & Pete), it makes me feel like I’m not the only one. Sometimes when I just sit and think I can come up with entire story plots and write it down mentally in my brain. I only write in cursive. I have done so much already- that when I think what I want to do next, the list is endless. I don’t like Brazil.I wish they would just Reject Prop 8 already. I want to go to Gay Pride one day. I don’t even know why I care so much about gay rights, other than they should have equality. I’d love to become a gay rights activist one day. I’ve had writers block for over three months. I can’t ever read what I write more than two times.I think I should finish the stories I started but never finished before writing new things. i have a lot of respect for Peta. I cuss way too much, if you know me really well. I love going to shows a lot. I don’t actually know how many shows I’ve ever been to, but I don’t feel like thinking about the numbers.i barely watch tv.i have a whole folder dedicated to only editorials and runway shots. Noone has disappointed me as much as you have. Sometimes I don’t even think you deserve to be happy, but I know I’m not that cruel. Nylon is really inspiring to me. I’m afraid to love, but I know that I love you.i miss the past. I wish I had more self- control. I miss my long hair. i don’t actually know what’s keeping me from writing what I want to. I like shitty techno. My music taste is weird, for a lack of a better word.i like to write all of my problems down and then trash the piece of paper, it makes me feel better. I can’t go a day without my blackberry, and I know that’s sad.I only like Fall because of Fashion Week.I miss drinking large amounts of coffee.i have low- self esteem.i want a tattoo on my wrist. I’m cold a lot. I don’t actually know why I’m doing this.the song ‘Saturday’ will always mean something to me.
-just something i wrote to pass the time.all of these ‘truths’ are about people or things, no names mentioned.i just wanted to clear my head a little bit.
Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.
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